Fears

Credit given to Wosret- a forum acquaintance

1) Losing control: My greatest fear, is the lack of, or the suspension of control. That I’m not in control, that it was my nature that brought me both failure and success in every case, and not because I willed it so. That I’m not in control of my thoughts, my feelings, my desires, my reactions, my interpretations, my words — that the death grip may loosen on the reins of my mind, or that I’m been clasping the wrong thing.

2) Being evil: That my judgements, feelings, and values are all wrong. That I’m entirely wrong in the most important ways. That I’m the villain, and not the hero. That I should lose, and not win. That my influence is negative, my intuition wrapped, or malformed. That if I were to reveal myself for judgement, that I would be condemned.

3) Trusting, or faith: I trust nothing and no one. I wish to be able to revise, abandon, change, swap, or go back on everything I think and do, at all times, and at a whim. However I no more trust the new than I did the old, and like a paranoid Stalin, I am just looking for excuses to exercise the next cleansing.

4) Being weak: that I lack the resolve, the push, the drive, the strength, the life to make hard choices, and to be able to do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done. That I’m too weak to protect anyone, or anything.

5) That I’m a coward: that fear halts me, blocks me, prevents me, every time. That fear makes me rationalize, conjecture, and inflate the mundane to be worthy of eliciting fear in me. That my only real demon is fear, that it is a puny demon, inflated by hot air and bluster.

6) Being alone forever: that my pursuit for a “worthy person” is a game I’m playing with myself. That no one will ever be good enough, because I’m the biggest asshole on the planet.

7) That I let everyone down: That I almost intentionally strive to not meet expectations, or obligations.

8) Drowning: don’t like deep water, almost drowned twice before I was ten, so water is scary shit to me now.

9) Not meeting/exceeding my potential: holding myself back, because I dislike direct attention. Although I’m extremely found of indirect attention. For instance I’d greatly enjoy it if a piece of my writing were to become hugely famous, but it would be detrimental to my health for my person to gain equal attention.

10) Being known: while I’m a mystery, I can be exaggerated, eccentric, odd, out of place, interesting, and just ripe with fancy. When I’m known, I’m mundane, I’m common place, I’m uninteresting.

1 10.30.11
dropshadow
“We have, in fact, two kinds of morality side by side: one which we   preach but do not practice, and another which we practice but seldom   preach.”
- Bertrand Russell (Sceptical Essays (1928), “Eastern and Western Ideals of Happiness”)
We  only preach principles because we see them as higher ideals to strive  for, rather than as ways of life that are unconditional to happiness. If  everyone involuntarily assumed that certain principles, as “thou shalt  not murder”, are ones to be taken for granted, there would be no purpose  to preach them because it’s expected. In retrospect, we preach  principles because we already assume half-heartedly that the masses will still adhere to certain actions regardless of hearing the preaching.

We have, in fact, two kinds of morality side by side: one which we preach but do not practice, and another which we practice but seldom preach.


- Bertrand Russell (Sceptical Essays (1928), “Eastern and Western Ideals of Happiness”)


We only preach principles because we see them as higher ideals to strive for, rather than as ways of life that are unconditional to happiness. If everyone involuntarily assumed that certain principles, as “thou shalt not murder”, are ones to be taken for granted, there would be no purpose to preach them because it’s expected. In retrospect, we preach principles because we already assume half-heartedly that the masses will still adhere to certain actions regardless of hearing the preaching.

1 06.27.11
dropshadow
06.22.11
dropshadow

Practically done with junior year……

……..I mean this feels pretty weird, does this mean I’m basically free for 3 months

=D

3 06.17.11
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Can we all stop victimizing ourselves?

ohsoteresa:

Tainting every golden opportunity with a selfish mind - we’re all guilty.

“I’m always the one that gets hurt” or “They never try why should I even care” or my personal favorite “You don’t understand what I’m going through.”

It’s sickening because the amount of sensibility and kindness in the human race has plummeted. Always pointing and laughing at outsiders, and constantly hating from within.

Oh no, it’s never our faults. Because we try really hard and we have hearts of gold. We’re sinless and innocent. That’s why it’s never our fault, it’s always someone else’s. I’ve been framed, I’m the scapegoat.

Stop. Cry about it no more. Because I’m sure everyone else is too busy crying about their own lives to even care about yours.

I have to keep reminding myself of how fortunate I am. I have to keep reminding myself of the amazing opportunities I’ve been exposed to. I have to keep reminding myself to keep an open mind and ear. Because I’m done whining about my life. Because I’m grateful and fortunate.

And someday I’m going to spread that feeling with people who aren’t as fortunate and maybe in return I can gain a bit of this sensibility I’ve lost while treading on mainstream society.

It really results from dehumanization… we pretty much act like the people who suffer in 3rd world countries aren’t real people but people here sympathize so strongly with those in our bubble… as if Bergen County was the whole world and their friends and family are the only kind of people that exist, usually divided as either shallow or trustworthy.

(via ohsoteresa-deactivated20110808)

2 05.30.11
dropshadow

If someone told me that I could live my life again free of depression provided I was willing to give up the gifts depression has given me: the depth of awareness, the expanded consciousness, the increased sensitivity, the awareness of limitation, the tenderness of love, the meaning of friendship, the appreciation of life, the joy of a passionate heart - I would say, ‘This is a Faustian bargain! Give me my depressions. Let the darkness descend. But do not take away the gifts that depression, with the help of some unseen hand, has dredged up from the deep ocean of my soul and strewn along the shores of my life. I can endure darkness if I must; but I cannot live without these gifts. I cannot live without my soul.’

- David N. Elkins (Beyond Religion)

2 05.30.11
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mills:

“And yet pain hurts but it doesn’t kill. When you consider the alternative — an anesthetized dream of self-sufficiency, abetted by technology — pain emerges as the natural product and natural indicator of being alive in a resistant world. To go through a life painlessly is to have not lived.”

Jonathan Franzen’s essay on social media, on ‘liking’ as a pitiful, narcissistic dilution of real experience, seems to have been met with wide acclaim; it is quoted everywhere, it seems immediately, obviously true, it resonates. Many of its points are fascinating, but most interesting is the claim above: “To go through a life painlessly is to have not lived.” By asserting the centrality of pain -and thereby of suffering, death, and evil- to human life, Franzen echoes a broadly-held, mostly intuitive sense that the so-called “problem of evil” is not a meaningful philosophical problem at all. That is: it is not hard to imagine how suffering, death, and evil could be vitally important for human life to have meaning, how they could be in fact be necessary for the existence of the good with which we hope to technologically replace them.

Earlier, Franzen writes that

“…the ultimate goal of technology, the telos of techne, is to replace a natural world that’s indifferent to our wishes — a world of hurricanes and hardships and breakable hearts, a world of resistance — with a world so responsive to our wishes as to be, effectively, a mere extension of the self.”

By calling them “our wishes,” Franzen rhetorically trivializes our preferences: to not be killed in hurricanes, to not see our children starve to death, to not be eaten away by disease, to not languish in a life whose circumstances reflect arbitrary fortune, the bad luck of being born poor, marginalized, persecuted, weak. The virtualization of reality is an effort to combat the arbitrary, unearned suffering which has defined our lives since the dawn of the species. Technology seeks to make our agency primary among organizing forces in the universe; we want not to be victims. We want not to suffer, particularly pointlessly. We want happy, safe lives for ourselves and others.

Yet Franzen’s argument insists: a painless life is not a real life, and as a result pain is as integral to the order of human reality as love, as sex, as hope. What is noteworthy is that this argument is so commonly accepted that he scarcely expands on it, offers it as a claim which is prima facie the case. Even in popular culture, it has become something of a narrative trope: in films, literature, even in music one regularly encounters the depiction of nightmare utopias, dystopias, in which the capacity to suffer has been eradicated, in which chance has been eliminated. These depictions show us reduced worlds in which, say, androids provide us with sex without the immense difficulties of relationships, or in which we are genetically modified to be incapable of irrational sorrow. They are not happy stories, though; they invariably assert that something crucial is lost if there is no suffering, no death, no conflict, no evil.

That is: this “telos of techne” is revolting to us even as we seek it.

In a sense, we are like children who rage against the rules and fiats of our parents but desperately depend on them to circumscribe reality, to structure our moral and experiential lives, or we will be terribly deprived, lost. But of what are we deprived? The possibility of heroism? Of sacrifice? Of devotion? Of goodness against evil? And how does suffering structure heroism, nobility, love? And how might one argue that the suffering of others is a morally-acceptable cost for the leavening, as it were, of one’s own reality? It is simple enough to dismiss such questions as superstitious, as epistemologically imprecise; unless one is religious, one can perhaps avoid thinking of the relationship between evil and love for one’s entire life. But only an ideologue would insist that there is no mystery to the human need for conflict, anguish, pain.

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, sentenced to a decade of imprisonment and exile in the Soviet Union for critical remarks about the monster Joseph Stalin, knew much about the suffering wrought by evil in the world; even had he not experienced torture and banishment, that he lived through World War II and what followed in Russia would have acquainted him with the full range of human barbarities. The temptation to blame systems of government or economics, ideologies, parties, others would have been enormous. Yet Solzhenitsyn did not think that evil was apportioned to some and not to others:

“If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?”

In the heart of every human being there is good and there is evil; it is not possible to imagine a human without evil, or at least it is clear that such a creature is not human as we understand the term. To be human is to be divided against oneself, and to be both wounded by the evil in others and saved by the good in them; it is to depend on this ambiguous, moral and immoral heart.

Franzen discusses the insidious redaction social networks prompt: how we are eager to be liked and therefore mask, conceal, censor what is unlikeable about ourselves, falsifying our humanity and acting against the spirit of love in the process:

“If you dedicate your existence to being likable, however, and if you adopt whatever cool persona is necessary to make it happen, it suggests that you’ve despaired of being loved for who you really are. And if you succeed in manipulating other people into liking you, it will be hard not to feel, at some level, contempt for those people, because they’ve fallen for your shtick.”

To experience the fullness of love, one cannot partialize oneself, amputate those elements of oneself that play poorly on profile pages, accustom oneself to perpetual public performance. That we do so by the hundreds of millions, oddly, answers Solzhenitsyn’s question: “And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?” If Franzen is to be believed, it turns out that nearly all of us are.

That we recognize, however, the facile surreality of this act, that authors write op-eds in the New York Times denouncing it while we all nod in assent, seems not only to suggest that the cultural change is not nearly so novel or permanent as Franzen claims -I recall feeling contempt for people who liked my performative personality in high school- but also to offer a kind of glimpse into the popular conception of the world’s moral order, a referendum on theodicy, as it were.

Is it the case that despite our intellectual arguments, we intuitively do not want a life free from conflict, pain, evil? Do we know in our hearts that such a life would be a kind of stagnation, a distracted, superficial trance, an anti-life without the possibility of transcendence? It is discomfiting to say so in the face of the horrors wrought by evil in our world; even Franzen cannot bring himself to the honest conclusion of his argument, absurdly saying that “pain hurts but it doesn’t kill.” But of course pain kills; and what causes pain -evil, chance- is as likely to cause death as anguish. A novelist is unlikely to have a popularly palatable moral worldview, but it seems that even Franzen feels some pressure to redact himself here: our age is the age of technological teleology, and to assert as a lunatic anachronism that pain -the pain of war, the pain of abuse, the pain of crime, the pain of violation, the pain of murder, the pain of inequality, the pain of politics- is necessary to the human experience is sure to prompt the kind of defriending few of us can bear.

(Source: mills)

134 05.30.11
dropshadow

I am too soft, too weak, and so too lazy to achieve anything significant. I no longer feel any hope for the future of my life. It as though I had before me nothing but a long stretch of living death. I cannot imagine any future for me other than a ghastly one. Friendless and joyless

- Ludwig Wittgenstein

05.23.11
dropshadow

Ugh..

ripredx:

Mr. Harold Camping is a SELF-TAUGHT biblical scholar who already claimed once before that the world will end in 1994. This should already send off alarm bells in the educated person, but it obviously hasn’t gotten through to families that have given up on their children’s futures to proclaim the arrival of the Apocalypse. I just can’t understand these people… 

Shame on you Mr. Camping for ruining the lives of people you cruelly took advantage of just to earn your 15 minutes of fame. 

(via ripredx-deactivated20111015)

1 05.20.11
dropshadow
“Tell me this: why does it happen that at the very,  yes, at the very moments when I am most capable of feeling every  refinement of all that is “sublime and beautiful,” as they used to say  at one time, it would, as though of design, happen to me not only to  feel but to do such ugly things, such that … Well, in short, actions  that all, perhaps, commit; but which, as though purposely, occurred to  me at the very time when I was most conscious that they ought not to be  committed. The more conscious I was of goodness and of all that was  “sublime and beautiful,” the more deeply I sank into my mire and the  more ready I was to sink in it altogether.”
- Fyodor Dostoevsky (Notes from Underground)
Human beings usually moan about pain in order to spread their suffering  to others, for whatever reason, especially spite about other people. Unlike most people, who typically act out of revenge because they  believe offense against those they spite brings some justified end result, those who are conscious of their problems and desires to hurt other people, but they can not bring themselves to do so believing that it is immoral; this incongruity leads to spite and spite towards the act itself with its concomitant  circumstances. He feels that others like him exist, yet he continuously  concentrates on his spitefulness instead of on actions that would avoid  the problems he is so concerned with. People often claim that they’d be rather be inactive out of laziness but it’s often because they can’t make the right decision in the context of their psychological dilemmas. One cannot avoid the simple fact that anyone at any time can decide to act in a way which might not be considered good but also choose otherwise.

Tell me this: why does it happen that at the very, yes, at the very moments when I am most capable of feeling every refinement of all that is “sublime and beautiful,” as they used to say at one time, it would, as though of design, happen to me not only to feel but to do such ugly things, such that … Well, in short, actions that all, perhaps, commit; but which, as though purposely, occurred to me at the very time when I was most conscious that they ought not to be committed. The more conscious I was of goodness and of all that was “sublime and beautiful,” the more deeply I sank into my mire and the more ready I was to sink in it altogether.

- Fyodor Dostoevsky (Notes from Underground)

Human beings usually moan about pain in order to spread their suffering to others, for whatever reason, especially spite about other people. Unlike most people, who typically act out of revenge because they believe offense against those they spite brings some justified end result, those who are conscious of their problems and desires to hurt other people, but they can not bring themselves to do so believing that it is immoral; this incongruity leads to spite and spite towards the act itself with its concomitant circumstances. He feels that others like him exist, yet he continuously concentrates on his spitefulness instead of on actions that would avoid the problems he is so concerned with. People often claim that they’d be rather be inactive out of laziness but it’s often because they can’t make the right decision in the context of their psychological dilemmas. One cannot avoid the simple fact that anyone at any time can decide to act in a way which might not be considered good but also choose otherwise.

05.16.11
dropshadow
A